chelsea said so

24 weeks!

2012-02-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

Viability point in pregnancy is always relieving. Happy to have made it here!

Like I said earlier last week, I am quite miserable. I know this is all more than worth it. I have two amazing children to remind me of that. But man, each pregnancy is so much tougher than the one before! Exhaustion, horrible eczema, pain that's started much earlier, ravenous appetite, returning morning sickness. Dizziness. It's just been a real joy. No sarcasm, of course. ;)

I'm placing my official bet on this being a girl now. I know I've wavered so much back and forth most of this pregnancy, but this one is shaping up to be so similar to Adalyn's that I just have to go with girl (although it could just be more similar to hers because it's my third pregnancy and hers was my second and each one is tougher on the body, but that's my official guess). Especially with the returning morning sickness that has me actually throwing up at 24 weeks. Blech.

The kicks have reached that point of physically hurting but also becoming visible on the outside, which is a super fun point in pregnancy. Tim finally gets to be part of it! He can feel them and see them.

Nothing else to report except that I went through a HUGE growth spurt in the past two weeks. It's not quite as obvious in these pictures as reality, but overnight I grew out of all my size small pants and my belly just exploded! For fun, let's compare 12 weeks to 24. :)

And because I am the dorkiest pregnant woman ever, I totally just dug up my 24/25 weeks pictures from my other pregnancies since I had a sneaky suspicion that I was much smaller with Adalyn at this point. I was totally right. Sigh. Maybe this is a boy afterall? I look much more like I did with Ben at this point.

Why can't I stop overanalyzing everything?!

I'm a (more) liberal Christian

2012-02-10T22:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm not really liberal. Truth be told, I now lie somewhere between liberal and conservative. In the old days, I was pretty hardcore liberal, pretty staunchly Democrat. Now I'm socially liberal and economically conservative. I think we should always be re-evaluating our positions. If we didn't, our country would still have slaves and racial inequality. And I would still be a die-hard liberal Democrat. :)

This post has been in the works for literally a year. I write it and then delete it. And then I re-write it and then delete it again. But every few months, this idea that you can actually be liberal and Christian (shocker!), resurfaces and I feel the need to defend myself all over again.

Like I said above, I am constantly re-evaluating my positions. At one point I was pro-choice. Now I'm mostly pro-life with continued confusion over the extreme cases (will I ever feel confident in saying that there is NEVER a time for abortion? I don't know). At one point I was a believer and follower of the Weston A. Price type of diet. Now I'm obviously not. At one point I practiced "Attachment Parenting." Now I mostly don't.

I think the best thing we can do is be constantly asking ourselves if what we're doing is right, and when we're presented with new information, we should listen. To be open-minded is to be informed. Being open-minded doesn't mean you have to accept everything you agree to listen to, but to listen and absorb and consider it. If it doesn't align with your beliefs, there is absolutely nothing wrong with disagreeing with it, as long as you have listened and considered. Without that, where would our country be?

In fact, Jesus went against the grain. What he did was not the norm and it was not accepted. To model ourselves after Him is to make sure we're never just accepting status quo without much thought and contemplation. We must always be evaluating and praying and reading about (and modeling ourselves after) Jesus' life.

So, listening and considering and reading my Bible and becoming a Christian changed me. In many, many ways. But despite listening and absorbing the things my Christian conservative friends and family have explained to me, I still hold strong to my belief in the more liberal viewpoints of our country. And it is because of my religion that I feel even more strongly about my social liberalism than I ever did before.

What do I mean by being socially liberal? I like Webster's definition of liberal as being "marked by generosity" and "not bound by authoritarianism, orthodoxy or traditional forms."

Socially, or how we relate to each other/individuals, I believe pretty wholeheartedly that what Jesus taught us is reflected in the liberal viewpoint. Matthew 25:40 tells us, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." Matthew 5:42 says, "Give to the one who asks you and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

I've had friends argue that the church should be doing this and we should not be forced into it, but as has been proven by the mere fact that even with forced generosity, the needy are not being taken care of (i.e., people are still starving and homeless) and before the current welfare systems were put in place, there was obviously still much need or they never would have been put in place to begin with, the churches are simply not able to right now. We can argue semantics - who and how should charity be given - but the mere fact of the matter is that the church is not taking care of everyone who needs it and neither are we as Christians. We see our brothers in need and if we refuse to take care of that need (in my mind, voting against these programs is refusing to take care of that need), how is that Christ-like? Why are we fighting against universal health care?

I've heard one too many Christians complain that people getting welfare can probably get a job. Did Jesus say to us, "Help the needy unless they are lazy or might develop a drug problem"? Jesus didn't qualify it. And who are we to be the judge? Jesus was homeless. How many of you would have deemed him not worthy of help because he could have gotten a job or maybe he was just a junkie?

Matthew 25:31-46 is an incredible passage to read. It conveys just how important it is to God that we take care of the needy. In summary, Jesus says that the King will tell those on his right, those who provided for the needy, to come with him to the kingdom prepared for them, to eternal life, and to those on the left, those who saw people in need and did not help them, to go away to eternal punishment." It is unarguably clear that helping those in need - generosity - is something incredibly important to God.

Many conservative Christians (not all, probably not even a majority, but a lot of the ones in my life) have this perception of liberals as abortion-loving atheists who desperately want things like same-sex marriage and accept all religions. That's just not the case.

First, being pro-choice does not equate to liking or even supporting abortion. Most women who are pro-choice still hate the idea of abortion but want the decision left up to the woman carrying the baby. While I don't support this position at all, I can say from personal experience that you can be pro-choice and not love abortion. I have many pro-choice friends to this day who would never choose abortion for themselves. But regardless, being liberal and being pro-choice are not one and the same. I am (more) liberal, but I am not pro-choice. I didn't conveniently choose this new position because I'm now in a place to take care of a child as some people imply, but because I was saved and God spoke to me on this issue and I was shown an ultrasound of an abortion being performed and all of those things radically changed me. I may believe what I believe strongly, but I'm not too stubborn to listen to other viewpoints and come to new conclusions.

I struggle on a daily basis with the idea of homosexuality. I have seen a convincing documentary on how we may have misinterpreted homosexuality to be a sin (For the Bible Tells Me So), but I don't have a strong enough opinion on the matter yet to say with certainty either way what I believe. I know I pray on this particular issue constantly because I still am so unsure. I do believe - with every fiber of my being - that nearly all homosexuals are born that way. And as a friend pointed out to me today, "We cannot honor God by dishonoring his creation." How profound is that? Whether or not we believe homosexuality is a sin, we cannot deny that all humans are God's creation and loved by God. Even if you are certain that homosexuality is a sin, it is never acceptable or Christian behavior to belittle or tear down one of God's creation. As a matter of fact, Jesus told us that the second most important commandment is to "Love your neighbor as yourself." First Peter 1:22 tells us to "Love one another fervently." There is no denying that we are called to love each other. A Christian group of women on facebook called "One Million Moms" called for Ellen's job as a JC Penney spokeswoman. That is not the type of behavior Jesus modeled for us.

Being socially liberal means respecting other religions. It does not mean accepting other religions. The Bible is very clear that Jesus is the ONLY way to salvation. In John 14:6 Jesus says, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Respecting another's right to practice a different religion is not only a loving act, but it opens the door to teaching them about Jesus.

I believe that Jesus showed us how to treat fellow Christians we know are in sin. It is not by alienating them or tearing them down or publicly shaming them. It is not by violently opposing their lifestyle. It is by gently and lovingly showing them the Truth. We are also called to be a light. We are not supposed to hide from the world, we are supposed to live in it and lead by example! We are not supposed to shun those who are not Christian. We are supposed to love them! These are very simple truths in the Bible, yet as a whole, we Christians have forgotten these truths in our quest to make everyone in our country a Christian and force those who aren't to live by our morals and our standards. The typical Christian viewpoint, at least as expressed in the average Christian behavior these days, is to tell the sinners or the non-religious to just go to church or just get a job or just clean up their lives or just stop sinning, but we don't offer love and grace and guidance. So how can we expect that?

My objective here is to explain my views, because some conservative Christians in my life have implied or even flat-out accused me of being a fake Christian because I'm liberal. I'm not here to tell you, if you are a conservative Christian, that you are not a real Christian. That is between you and God, and you know in your heart what you are. Please don't tell me that I cannot be a liberal and a Christian, because that's simply not true.

I would even go so far as to argue that I have come to my decision to be liberal with more thought and contemplation than many conservatives came to their decision to be conservative. I'm not saying all by ANY stretch of the imagination (and I'm not saying that about you), but I think a lot of Christians are conservative simply because that's the norm. That's the status quo. If you're a Christian in America, you're conservative.

If I've offered you food for thought, wonderful! I don't expect everyone to read this and have an "Aha!" moment. I won't argue with you that your differing viewpoints are wrong. I'm only offering my viewpoints with reasoning for them all. I'd encourage you to listen just as I've listened to my conservative Christian friends, but certainly don't expect you to come to a different conclusion than the one you've come to already. Just be open-minded to at least understand that one can be a Christian AND a liberal.

And please stop giving me that, "Oh, you poor, misinformed thing" look when I tell you I'm liberal and Christian. I promise I'm informed. That's the one thing I can confidently say about anything that is important to me. I am INFORMED. I seek out new information every single day of my life. I crave knowledge like I crave donuts. :)

I completely respect the right of any Christian to fall on any part of the liberal-conservative spectrum and I trust that if you say you are informed and you say you have come to the conclusion you have based on thought, you mean that. I don't want anyone to read this and think I am cutting down their opinion or trying to argue that they're wrong. This is simply my opinion and how I formed it.

PS - Click here to read a very interesting study looking at how the increase in Bible reading leads to an increase in more liberal thinking that a friend shared with me.

Holy pregnancy pain, batman!

2012-02-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

During my first pregnancy I had almost no pain. I didn't waddle. I didn't cringe when I had to stand up from sitting. All-in-all, it was a great pregnancy. I was the crazy, hormonal pregnant woman that I still am today, on my third pregnancy, but as far as morning sickness and weepiness and pain? Not so much. It was easy.

With Adalyn's pregnancy, the real pain kicked in around 27 weeks. I remember thinking something was wrong at first because I didn't have that sort of pain at any point during my first pregnancy, but my OB reassured me that each pregnancy is more difficult than the previous one. She wasn't kidding! I had the morning sickness and the weakened immune system that left me sick most of my pregnancy and the early contractions and the 4 weeks of prodromal labor and the insane pelvic pain and so on and so forth.

Knowing this, I braced myself for earlier pain this time. I was right. It all started on Sunday, when we got out of the car from an 18 hour car trip and it was late and I practically fell to the ground with the shooting pelvic pain. I chalked it up to the long car trip, but it's now been about a week and each day the pain is worse. It's just like the pain I had with Adalyn's pregnancy except it's earlier this time around. I'm only 24 weeks pregnant but I've already hit the point where I don't stand up unless it's absolutely necessary because I know that when I do, I'll get that shooting-pain-that-makes-you-want-to-cry thing. And each step is like daggers, well, down below (sorry). I'm finding that even laying down isn't giving me total relief. Sigh.

If I wasn't already completely positive I don't want a fourth child, this would do it for me. I am in absolute awe of women who have 4, 5, 6, 7+ pregnancies. If each one is worse than the last, you women are saints.

What a whiny blog post, huh?

What Dave Ramsey has done for us.

2012-02-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

That's our "new" van. We paid for it in cash and still have a paid-off Camry sitting in our garage that blue books at $10,500 that we're about to sell FSBO.

We're about to have our third child, so our little beloved Camry isn't going to cut it anymore. We've been looking for a van for awhile now. It's amazing that I was excited to get a van. Me?! The girl who swore I would never, ever, ever have a minivan!

A year ago, we would have either traded in our Camry for a more expensive, low mileage van and probably acquired another car payment, or at the very least we would have sold our Camry FSBO and taken the inheritance we recently got and used both of those funds to buy a relatively nice, new van.

But then we took Dave Ramsey's FPU. While we aren't the perfect students (I admit that we haven't done the cash envelopes on a few occasions), we've made huge strides and already paid off a ton of debt. In a few months time.

And amazingly, we're about to pay off well over $10,000 in debt. All because we decided to sell our Camry FSBO and buy an old, used van. It's not the most glamorous van in the world. It has some dings and scratches and less perks than we're used to in our newer Camry, but I love it. I love it because it is bringing us financial peace. I love it because it was DIRT CHEAP but came with the mechanic's seal of approval (unlike all the Siennas we took to get pre-inspected that were literally double the cost and had tons of mechanical problems). I love it because we were patient and waited for the perfect deal instead of rushing to buy the first one we saw, which would have cost us double what this one did.

When we started FPU a few months ago, we mapped out a course to becoming debt-free that was going to take us about 2.5 years. Now, thanks to decisions like the above one and saying no to new clothes or that Starbucks I want so badly, it's looking like we are going to cut that 2.5 year timeline in half - if not more.

Imagine if we're debt-free before this new baby reaches his or her first birthday! Thanks to some really stupid ideas and decisions on my part as an 18 year old naive girl, I haven't been debt-free since before the age of 19.

Because of Dave Ramsey, we also put our old car payment that we no longer have into a savings account each month so that when we drive this Odyssey into the ground, we'll get to pay for our next car in cash, too.

It's literally blowing my mind that we're getting so close to being debt-free. The freedom that will come on the day we have only our mortgage left will be unreal. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

Thank you, Dave Ramsey. You're sort of my hero. :)

And seriously, if I can do this, literally any person walking the face of this planet can. I have one of the most disastrous and irresponsible financial pasts of anyone I've ever met.

Yep.

2012-01-31T06:24:00.001-08:00

Vegan diaries: week 1

2012-01-30T07:21:00.000-08:00

Ha, I feel like such a dork for that title. Forgive me.

So today marks the first week on a vegan diet. It's been so much easier than I thought!

Changes?

Lost 2 pounds. Before you flip, yes, I'm aware I'm pregnant, which is exactly why I'm keeping close tabs on my weight. I'm getting plenty of calories but am planning on upping my healthy fats as much as I can this week. I'm not worried about a minor weight loss because I've been eating like total crap most of this pregnancy and I'm chalking up the 2 pounds to water weight. If I lose any more weight, I'll definitely re-evaluate, but two pounds isn't a biggie since I know I'm getting plenty of calories and TONS of nutrients.

My mom has lost 3 this week, and considering she is already pretty stinkin' skinny, I think that's pretty encouraging for anyone who would like to revamp their diet to a lifestyle change rather than a fad diet. She doesn't have to count calories or limit herself. She eats what she wants when she wants it. On average, vegans just weigh less. Period. It's easier to maintain your weight with a diet of healthy stuff like fruits and vegetables and whole grains.

My skin has totally cleared up. Like, completely. Not a single zit! To make sure it isn't just a coincidence, I'll chime in about this again later, but this might be my favorite advantage to a vegan diet. :)

My eczema is still here, which is probably what I'm hoping to cure the most. I've never had severe eczema, only minor, but with this pregnancy came a drastic change in my eczema and my arms are covered in itchy patches that have even been bleeding lately. It's awful. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this improves over the next few weeks!

My heartburn has completely disappeared. I was shocked by this! I only have heartburn during pregnancy but it's bad and it's every single night, not a rare occurrence. About two days in, my heartburn completely stopped. Last night, when I cheated while out to dinner with friends (I've decided not to stress about trying to find vegan restaurants so I'll totally allow myself to eat vegetarian meals here and there when I dine out) and had fettuccine alfredo, I ended up with really bad heartburn that kept me up.

Overall, I feel so much healthier! My energy level hasn't improved at all, which is another thing I'm hoping for, but since I'm pregnant I know I might not get much relief from the fatigue until the baby is born. We'll see. I'm trying to add exercise in this week as my new goal. Maybe this will help?

Admittedly, I hate vegetables. If it isn't drenched in butter or cheese, I have to force myself to eat it. This week I've had an insane amount of veggies! And new ones I've never even tried before, like rutabagas. I had no idea how delicious rutabagas were! It's like a whole new world has opened up to me. I've had lots of kale, spinach, onions, mushrooms, butternut squash, spaghetti squash, cauliflower, rutabagas, tomatoes, red peppers...I could go on and on. I'm so embarrassed to admit this, but the only veggies I ate before this were ones that were inside of meals, like salads or casseroles. I did force myself to drink green smoothies whenever I could because I know how bad I am about my veggies. Unbelievably, in only one short week I've gone from hating vegetables to loving them. I figured it would happen over time, as everything I read says that you acquire tastes as you consume things, but I didn't expect it to happen so fast.

In fact, this morning I spoiled myself with some juice and for the first time...oh, I don't know...in my life(!), had to make myself finish off the glass because it was too sweet for me. Me, the girl with the sweet tooth of steel. All of a sudden I only need a tiny splash of agave nectar & almond milk in my coffee instead of having a little coffee with my creamer. Fruits now taste like heaven, instead of just good. I've grown to appreciate the taste of good, healthy foods so much.

Last night, after I ate that ridiculously fatty meal, I felt like crap. And I realized how good I've felt all week at that moment.

Another super cool perk is that I've all but kicked my "eat because I'm bored" habit. I guess it's because we don't have any convenience items in the house, so if I want to eat, I have to do so intentionally. I have to peel a kiwi or cook some spaghetti squash, so I don't do it mindlessly because I'm bored.

I thought this was going to be so difficult, but it's not. At all. I'm shocked.

The meals we've had and liked this week:

Lentil tostadas - Just like lentil tacos but we put the filling on top of a toasted whole wheat tortilla and added some chopped avocado, tomato and salsa. My favorite for sure!

Pad Thai - Oh so good!

Creamy Avocado Pasta - I'd give this 3.5 stars outta 5. Not the best in the world, but pretty tasty if you're craving something like fettuccine alfredo.

Quinoa Salad with Black Beans, Avocado and Cumin-Lime Dressing - Awesome! 'Nuff said. I'd cut the onions in half next time and double the avocados, but so, so good.

We had leftovers a few times and a pretty tasty little kale salad that was simply a head of kale, an avocado and the juice from one lemon or lime. Squish it all together with your hands and it's a great way to get in some super healthy greens.

This past week we bought The Engine 2 Diet book, The Vegan Slow Cooker and Veganomicon,so I'm looking forward to trying out some new bookmarked recipes!

Dat's all, folks. ;)

I'm a little bit nutty.

2012-01-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

I joke about that all the time. When I explain why I do something I do (in regards to food or birth or my home, in particular), I always feel I have to preface it with, "Well, you know that I'm nutty about birth/food/etc, but..."

I guess I'm being defensive. I have my guard up. I'm braced for criticism. I also want people to understand that I won't judge them for doing it differently. I'm "weird," I believe birth is best at home until the birthing system in our country changes to honor and respect a woman and her ability to birth on her own, I think the conventional food in our country is killing us, I think cleaning with natural products is the best, I am a liberal Christian and believe strongly in that. But these are all just my opinions. I obviously believe them and have done my research or I wouldn't put them in place, but that doesn't change the fact that it's just what I've decided is best for my family.

I respect anyone's right to decide things differently. I only advocate for knowledge and empowerment. As long as you don't just accept everything at face value and believe everything "they" tell you without doing a little research on your own, I will 100% respect you. I will not judge you. I promise you this.

If you have done your research and you believe a hospital is the best place to birth and you are my friend and you tell me you are getting induced, I will not tell you that you or your choices are crazy. I will never imply to you that you are putting your baby at risk. I won't even joke with you about that. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't support you in your well-informed choices?

Would I be induced? No, not unless there was a sound medical reason, in which case of course I would! But that doesn't change the fact that my decision not to have an unnecessary induction is mine alone. I fully understand that it's based on my own opinions of the research I've read.

Do you know how many people have told me I'm crazy? Have even gone so far as to tell me I'm selfish and putting my baby's life at risk for my comfort by birthing at home? Do you know how many friends have picked on me? "Friends" have even sent me links to awful, biased websites to instill fear in me. To harass me for my well-informed choice to go with a midwife and birth at home.

So I believe birth is natural! So I want to be at home so I can avoid drugs, avoid unnecessary medical interventions and so that I can bond with my baby right away! My baby was taken from me during my last birth for no reason other than the nurses' convenience, and despite it being in my birth plan and my husband arguing, they still took her away minutes after her birth to bathe her. Because, you know, she really needed a bath! I don't want that experience again...but it's not for me, it's for my baby. I want my baby to transition into this world in the most peaceful way possible, to be given straight to me and not to be messed with after that. It is my baby's best interests I have in mind, not my own. I would die for my children.

Am I taking a risk at home? Of course I am. Every woman who makes a choice on where to birth is taking a risk. Almost every study done on the matter shows a pretty equal risk. Let's face it: birth, while normal, can always be risky. Driving a car, much more risky. But we don't call the decision to drive selfish. We don't say that putting our kids in the car to go to play group is a risky and selfish thing to do, but the truth is it is risky. We understand that everything in life carries with it a risk. If I need to transfer to the hospital, I will do it in a split second without any second of hesitation because I believe in hospitals when needed. And if that does happen, I'll be taking a risk there, too.

I am a person who does her research. I am a person who refuses to believe everything that is status quo without confirming it for myself. Maybe that makes me weird and maybe you consider that a waste of time. I totally respect that. But for me, it works. For me, it's how I prefer to live. But when someone criticizes a choice I make, particularly to go so far as to imply I am risking my baby's life, they clearly don't understand me at all. They clearly don't know that I have done upwards of three years of research on the topic. I have read every single thing I can get my hands on - the good and the bad. I don't shy away from contradicting information simply because I don't want to know. I have read the anti-homebirth articles and I have read the anti-homebirth blogs.

Similarly, I have read the anti-vegan blogs. I have read the negative reviews of The China Study, of Forks Over Knives. I have read the arguments against that diet at The Weston Price Foundation, because that is a diet I bought into before learning more about veganism. It is important for me to educate myself without my own bias. It's difficult - incredibly - but I do it.

I love milk. I adore cheese. I eat yogurt at least once a day! I would have preferred to not give these things up. In fact, I downright hate vegetables. Enacting this new diet is one of the most difficult things I'll ever do, so I certainly didn't do it "just because." I put a lot of thought into this, I've read so many articles and studies and even books this week that my head is spinning.

My point here is that regardless of what you may think of me for being one to buck traditional or accepted things in most cases, I don't do it just to be weird. In fact, I hate being weird. Being a vegan is something that is going to be difficult for me to admit to anyone in person. It's easy to admit it online, but I hate being thought of as weird, I hate being disliked. So there is obviously a very good reason I have chosen this new lifestyle, and I didn't do it flippantly or because it was the easy thing to do. Quite the contrary.

Same thing with homebirth. I tell very few people in person that I am having a homebirth and when I do, I brace myself for the negative responses. I use my blog as my sounding board because it's so much easier to admit these things online than it is in person. But I still flinch a little when I see a new comment has been written, prepared for criticism.

I won't judge you, even if I disagree with your choices. Please don't judge me.

I welcome learning about anything! And I won't stop sharing what I learn, because I believe, as Martin Luther King said, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

But I don't lose respect for people who take the time to research things and come to a different conclusion than I do. In fact, I got into a nice little discussion with someone on my post about being vegan, and though we disagreed, I respected that he or she was obviously quite knowledgeable about the topic. That's what I love and support - knowledge! That doesn't always mean agreeing with me. As long as you're respectful in your disagreements, I don't see anything wrong with that at all. :)

Here's a really great blog post my friend sent me today. The last paragraph is what spoke to me the most. And the video, of course.

VEEEEEGAN!

2012-01-23T06:10:00.000-08:00

Aye. A few days ago, I watched a documentary called Earthlings that I posted here. I had no idea how much that was going to change me in a short hour and a half.

I knew animals suffered abuse and cruelty in our modern meat system. But knowing it and seeing it, for me, are two entirely different things. The latter is so powerful I could never, ever in my life buy another package of conventional meat.

I've been a vegetarian before. I've contemplated going back many times, too. It's not because I believe consuming small amounts of meat is awful for us. I don't.

But after watching Forks Over Knives a few times, I do believe that the massive quantity of meat and dairy we consume is killing us via obesity, heart disease, diabetes, etc.. I believe that without a shadow of a doubt. You can't read the studies and debate that.

But I do believe God intended for us to eat animals. How much is more up for debate. If I were to guess, I'd say quite rarely just based on the science behind what meat does to our bodies.

Consuming only dairy and eggs is not a solution. These cows and chickens are treated every bit as horribly and most die pretty unthinkable deaths.

So I thought, alright, I'll give up cheap meat. Easy as pie. Done. I'll only buy free-range, grass-fed beef and free-range chickens and cage free eggs and organic milk. Good, right?

Wrong. Completely wrong. I'm quickly losing faith in our food system entirely.

Apparently that's not good enough. I can't say I'm that surprised. Buying from a large organic company has always made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Big companies just do things...worse. They cut corners and they know how to do things as cheaply as possible to ensure maximum profit - unfortunately at the detriment of animals.

Read what PETA uncovers about so-called organic food like milk and eggs and meat here.

I'm fully convinced after a weekend of reading everything I can get my hands on that the only conceivable way of consuming dairy products and meat humanely is to buy from local farmers whose farms you've visited and are free to drop-in on any time. Ones who are not crammed into cages, who are allowed to freely graze on grass, whose beaks are not chopped off, who are not fed a diet of food they were never intended to eat and so on. That is your best shot at guaranteeing your animals lived the best life they can before they became your food.

For me, this knowledge coupled with the convincing information revealed in Forks Over Knives about the dangerous implications of a meat or dairy-based diet on our health, I'm done. I'm done with the dairy industry and I'm done with the meat industry - organic or not. The only way I can feel 100% confident that my money isn't supporting unspeakable abuse of poor, innocent animals is to just quit eating it entirely.

What's cool (and surprising) is what I've learned in just a day about the MANY options for food that are still available to me. I'm BLOWN AWAY by the things I can still eat. Will I miss dairy? Oh my gosh, yes. I am a self-proclaimed milk and cheese junkie.

But I can eat:

Banana Chocolate Chip Pretzel Smoothie

Berry Almond Bliss Steel-Cut Oatmeal

Beach Cookies

Avocado Pesto Pasta

Mexicali Sliders

And about 396 other recipes I've already pinned!

You can save an average of 100 animals from abuse and death each year if you become vegan. :)

And that, folks, is why I'm now a vegan and plan to never go back!

Whooooooooa

2012-01-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

I've been on the fence about meat eating for quite awhile. I briefly tried out vegetarianism about a month before finding out I was pregnant with Adalyn, but once I found out I was pregnant I went back to meat eating because I didn't feel equipped with the knowledge I thought I needed to get in enough protein while pregnant.

I decided to try it out mostly because of the mistreatment of animals I know goes on in meat factories, though I'd never seen anything but very brief and blurry clips. A small part of me believed we were never intended to consume meat, but my stance on that has changed. I do believe meat was meant to be consumed, but not in the quantities we consume it (not even close) and not as a necessity.

I've felt pretty strongly for awhile now that the only place consumers should buy meat from is local farmers who treat their animals well and fed them appropriate diets (not corn, which these animals were never intended to eat and cause severe damage to their bodies). The problem is, this meat is very expensive. For good reason, of course, but it's still difficult to justify the double or triple cost. So I falter and I buy cheap meat sometimes, and every time I feel guilty and disgusted about it. It's a vicious cycle - start buying mostly organic food, mostly free-range, local meat and eggs - watch my grocery bill sky rocket - go back to buying cheap meat - feeling guilty and starting the cycle all over again.

Then today, a friend posted a documentary that I've never seen or heard of. It literally rocked my world. I have never seen anything so disturbing in all my life. There is a lot - A LOT - of footage from inside meat factories in our country. The treatment of these animals is something you just cannot grasp without seeing it for yourself. To hear about it is something entirely different than to see it.

It may be the most disturbing thing I've ever seen, but I can't help but feel that every single person who eats meat in our country has to watch this. Knowing this exists and refusing to watch it is putting your head in the sand. Disturbing? Absolutely. But it's reality. And if you see these clips and you continue to eat meat from meat factories (which is everything not organic, free-range, etc.), you'll be paying for the continued UNIMAGINABLE mistreatment of these animals. I know that's harsh and I feel sort of badly saying that, but it's the truth.

God may have intended us to eat meat, but I GUARANTEE you he would never approve of the way in which our country (and others?) goes about raising and slaughtering animals.

You'll probably have to close your eyes through parts, I almost guarantee you'll cry, but in the end, it will be for a good purpose. The more people quit buying meat, the more of a message we send to all these immoral companies. This is one of those cases where YOU truly can make a difference. Each person refusing to support these companies via their wallets DOES make a difference.

And each time you feel compelled to buy ground beef when it's on sale for $1.99/pound, go back and rewatch parts of this video. Please. I'm begging. BEGGING.

20 weeks!

2012-01-20T07:19:00.000-08:00

I threw a kink in my plan for monthly pictures in the same place/same outfit when I left for South Carolina for a month. Sadly, I'm a little crushed that this lil pattern got ruined, but oh well. My little perfectionist self will have to learn to live with disappointment and this less-than-stellar picture for 20 weeks.

(Best I could do since I don't have the originals of the last few pictures on this computer, it's on my other one at home in Kansas)

All the morning sickness has died down with the exception of horrible car sickness. It's happened in my other two pregnancies, too, so nothing out of the ordinary.

We've now moved onto contraction territory. At 20 weeks. One day about a week and a half ago I got very regular, very intense contractions for a few hours and ever since then, they've been pretty frequent. Mostly Braxton Hicks with some real contractions thrown into the mix. It's a little freaky so early on, but since it's nothing new to me, I'm trying really hard to accept it as a normal part of my pregnancy and not freak out each time. My other two babies stayed put despite a lot of contractions and even a lot of dilation, so there's no reason to believe this pregnancy will be any different.

You might remember that I was 5 cm dilated(!!!) and not in active labor with Adalyn. When I went to the hospital on January 14th, 2011 because I mistakenly thought my water had broken (still embarrassed about that), the nurses were shocked that I could be 6 cm dilated (at that point) and not in regular labor. Apparently I was a freak show. So like I said, it's not all that weird that the contractions are starting even earlier this time and I wouldn't be surprised to find out I start dilating early this time, too. As I discovered with my last pregnancy, it really doesn't mean a thing except that labor is fast and easy. Well, as easy as labor can be.

My water was broken at 8:45 a.m., contractions followed pretty shortly thereafter and she was born at 9:47 a.m. I'm totally convinced my labor would have been even shorter than an hour had I been allowed to get off my back and move around and had they not told me to "hold her in" when my body started involuntarily pushing. So in that regard, I feel SO blessed to have lots of Braxton Hicks and early dilation as long as it accomplishes the same thing it has the last two pregnancies. I'm actually sort of concerned that there's no chance my midwife will make it to this birth. But that makes me happy I'm having a home birth because one of my greatest fears has always been to have a baby in a car on the way to the hospital, and I'm kind of convinced that would happen with this pregnancy if I tried to go anywhere after labor started.

This little babe moves all around all the time and I love it. This is my favorite point in pregnancy: no morning sickness, minimal pain and lots of movement!

We had our big ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and baby looked great! We even got a DVD that I'll upload someday that shows baby sticking his/her tongue in and out. It was pretty freakin' cool. Everything checked out, baby looks healthy and we held out on the gender reveal. This baby will be a surprise! Woot!

Where has the year gone?!

2012-01-17T06:03:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe this was almost a year ago now. I feel like it was literally yesterday that I was sitting in the hospital, waiting for my daughter to make her appearance after almost a month of nightly labor. Maybe that's because I have a new baby kicking away in my belly now. Ha! If someone would have told me that a year ago, I'd have laughed hysterically. No way, no how.

But as preparations came together for Adalyn's birthday party, there was no denying it: my baby is no longer a baby. Something about the second one is so much different than the first. I felt like Ben was grown up from three months on. Adalyn still feels like a tiny baby...until I actually hold a tiny baby like I did the other day and I quickly realize that she is not, indeed, a baby. She walks! She talks! She eats by herself! It's so cliche, but time really does fly by way too quickly.

So to reminisce a little, let's take a quick look back at January 14th, 2011.

Adalyn's party was Saturday and was a total blast! This was my first year putting Pinterest to good use and I love the way it all turned out!

I still love Adalyn's nursery so I decided it'd be fun to stick to those same colors. I added in some pops of blue, too, seeing that it's my favorite color and all. I used her curtains as the tablecloths. How easy is that?!

Her monthly picture collage!

The rock candy was my favorite. Throwback!

And of course the striped paper straws - I'm a HUGE fan of these things!

Her invite (which sadly and lamely, I didn't end up getting to send out because I am master procrastinator and she ended up with an evite instead - so I taped this on the door to get at least a tiny bit of use out of it):

Thank you, Target, for giving this pregnant mama a baking break and making fab & delicious hot pink cupcakes!

This was the best picture I could get of the active birthday gal and the outfit I made her.

Her outfit & pennant banner:

Obligatory cake face picture!

And allow my little piggy to dazzle you with her cupcake eating abilities. I love this girl & her new voracious appetite! Also, please enjoy the blurry quality and my husband's stellar singing. Be jealous!

Happy birthday, my precious sweet pea!

16 weeks!

2011-12-22T12:53:00.000-08:00

I think it's safe to say I kind of exploded sometime over the past month. I think it all happened this week because last week I looked in the mirror and swore my belly was no bigger than at 12 weeks. Coincidentally I also woke up yesterday feeling suddenly pregnant.

Not that I haven't felt pregnant thus far, but all of a sudden it was like, BAM, pregnant. Aches and pains, getting out of breath easily, feeling lots of movement, losing the ability to sleep on my stomach and suddenly outgrowing all my small maternity tops overnight.

I'm only up 8 pounds which is about where I was with Addie at this point. I'd gained 10 earlier but lost a few pounds and haven't gained them back. I only gained 25 lbs with Addie which was my goal, so I'd like to be happy about only having gained 8 lbs, but I look so, so much bigger than I did with her at this point that I really think this will be a Ben kind of pregnancy. I'm just going to look like a swollen balloon at the end of this journey. It's inevitable.

The morning sickness is completely gone now, thank God! That was a rough patch. Still absolutely exhausted at all times and still totally weepy and going through the ups & downs of prenatal depression, but so happy to be feeling him/her.

We'll have our big u/s soon, but not to determine gender, just to check out the little squirt and make sure everything looks good. Not much else to report!

Using your voice.

2011-12-16T12:59:00.000-08:00

Do I feel its my duty to patrol the interwebs and make sure no one ever says a bad word about anyone else?

Nope.

So why do I get involved?

I had to ask myself that this morning, after I opened my mouth on the STFU, Parents fb page post I referred to yesterday. I had a nice little talk with my hubby about it this morning.

Appalled at what I read yesterday, I decided to add my opinion in a sea of other opinions. I tried to be as graceful as I was able to be. I certainly didn't want to start a fight, but I was obviously prepared to have some hate directed my way. I mean, some of these people were wishing for Michelle's death. Of course they would attack anyone who shared a different opinion.

I felt the need to say something because, like I said yesterday, when did we become so complacent and desensitized that we could read things like what I posted yesterday and not say a word? To not say a word, to not try to make just one person stop and think and reconsider their position made me feel like part of the problem. If I watched it all unfold on a page I was a fan of and I didn't try to respectfully share my opinion, I was just another reason that people feel they can get away with such hateful bashing online, behind the safety of a screen name.

So I said this:

And I stand behind it and I'd say it again because it's what I believe. NO ONE deserves that sort of hate. Whether or not the Duggars expect it and are prepared for it and have thick skin doesn't matter or make them less worthy of defense. The point is, we've now become so desensitized to this sort of hate online that most people don't say a word. Because I guess we feel we can't have an impact as "just one person." I understand that mentality because I share it. I constantly second-guess speaking up because, well, what's the point? Whose mind am I going to change and in the end, I'm just going to have my feelings hurt.

Now I think there's a difference between tactfully standing up for a belief and just being nasty or judgmental in return. The latter doesn't solve a thing, and I've been guilty of it so many times that it's shameful. I've learned a lot over the years. I used to be incredibly judgmental, and it took a few comments from others to convince me of how mean I was being, how hurtful my words were. So I guess, deep inside, I feel that if I have an opportunity to share my opinions with others and the potential to change only one mind, that's totally worth it.

It was really sad to read what most people had to say in response to my comment because it's just indicative of our current state of morals and human decency. Someone even stalked my facebook page to find my blog and comment here. Interestingly, and ironically I guess, that was the person calling me a troll repeatedly.

I'm not saying it's everyone's duty to speak up when they see something evil happening, but I think we're too complacent. I think we see something going down and we say, why get involved? What's the point? I won't change anyone's mind.

But I think you definitely can. It's all in the way you deliver your message. Answering hate with hate won't solve a thing and won't help your cause.

If I saw someone being bullied on a playground or in a park, I would do my part to help. If I see someone being bullied online, I try to do my part to help, too, even if it means most people think I'm crazy or spew hate in my direction. Internet bullying is becoming a very real problem. I think most people would try to come to the defense of someone being bullied (or perhaps I'm being naive), but for some reason coming to the defense of someone being bullied online seems so much more taboo.

I don't seek out things to argue about or people whose minds I could potentially change, but if I see something going down like that, on a very public page with 17,000 readers, I'd speak up again.

Finally, this whole issue taught me a really valuable lesson. I've grown in my faith tremendously over the past two years, and I've changed for the better in so many ways thanks all to God and his grace, but I still find myself faltering all the time. I deemed the Duggars worthy of defending but laughed right along with the late night shows picking on Charlie Sheen. I've read tabloid articles about movie stars I don't like and I've been to TMZ to get my latest dose of gossip more times than I'd like to admit. That makes me pretty lame and hypocritical. I know God was using this experience to teach me that no one person is less worthy of hate than another.

Mother of the Year!

2011-12-16T10:23:00.000-08:00

My poor little Benjamin gets the short end of the stick on everything these days.

Thanks to me, a procrastinator who put off cleaning the house and doing the shopping/baking for Ben's party in the morning, I had to cancel it because my daughter won't stop screaming. I can't put her down - not for a second - without a complete emotional meltdown. So, the little guy doesn't get a party because I can't accomplish the million things I have to do with a baby this fussy.

This is the part where I cut myself some slack for having to cancel his party because I'm a procrastinator. Right?

Right? Ha.

I need ideas to make a birthday EXTRA special without a birthday party. My heart is broken.

The Duggars, our fading morals and a giant rant.

2011-12-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

What has happened to our society?

When did it become tolerable - no, acceptable - no, the mainstream view, to bash a family going through something as horrendous as losing a baby at almost 20 weeks?

I'll admit that I used to think the Duggars were nuts. This was long before I was saved and long before I got sucked into an episode. All I heard were the tabloid headlines and other people's summaries of the show. And, yeah, 18 kids? 19? 20? Crazy. For ME. But why in the world does that matter? Because I've chosen to have three children, that makes me superior to them? No, it just makes me a different person with different desires.

But then I was saved. And now I wrestle with the idea of birth control all the time. I pray about it. I talk to other Christians. But ultimately, I've made the decision to take my procreation into my own hands and decide that I don't want anymore children after this third one. Because I'm too weak to trust God's plan. I'm too weak to think that He could know better than me.

So I have to admire the Duggars. And respect them. They can do something I'm not capable of. They have the ultimate faith.

But because they're famous, society says that makes them fair game for hate and ignorance and bashing. Upon news of their latest pregnancy, a lot of people had a lot of things to say. At first, I didn't have a clue what to think. Then I realized it wasn't really my business. And then, ultimately, I realized that I admired their faith. And I admire the way they raise their children and I admire that they are able to support them all. So what if that's via a TV show on TLC? They also shop only second hand and make a MUCH greater effort to leave a small carbon footprint than I ever have.

Really, whose business is it? Theirs and God. That's what I think.

People's opinions on the matter frustrated me a little bit, but I certainly understood as I walked in those same shoes just a few years ago. I was right there, judging them along with everyone else.

But then, when they recently announced their loss and the truly EVIL comments started to surface, I wanted to throw up. I also might have wanted to punch a few people in the face because I'm not the perfect Christian, but I could at least show a little restraint.

The comments made that the Duggars deserved this tragedy, and that it's God's way of telling them to stop, were some of the lowest blows I've ever seen Americans make toward other fellow Americans. To take someone's horrendous tragedy (this wasn't an early miscarriage, this was as close to stillbirth as you can get without being called a stillbirth) and use it to gloat or make yourself feel better is so sad there are just no words.

When TMZ shamefully leaked pictures of the Duggars baby that were passed out at the memorial service, the reaction was how dare the Duggars!

How dare the Duggars? How about how dare TMZ? How dare whoever shared this with TMZ? That someone could blame a family who has lost a baby for sharing a picture of their baby's hands and feet with their fellow loved ones is just beyond me. Some of the comments that I saw on the STFU, Parents FB page post (who I will never read or support again):

Original post from STFU, Parents:

Comments:

I would have to argue that it's not a family who has lost a baby and wants to remember and share that baby, to know that baby had a purpose in the world who is sick. But, psh, what do I know?

Yeah, how dare the Duggars want to remember their lost baby girl and share her with their loved ones! Gah! Sick! Tasteless! Totally trivializes their loss!

Oh, right! Let's get the government involved and forcefully remove her uterus! What a great idea! She's had 19 kids and 2 miscarriages. I'd say the odds are pretty in their favor considering 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. And furthermore, the idea that having a miscarriage and/or a stillborn baby means you shouldn't be allowed to have more children makes no sense. We don't tell women in this country who can't get pregnant on their own that this means God is trying to tell them not to have children. No, we assist them with medical miracles, and I think it's wonderful. We don't tell women who've had four miscarriages in a row that they would be irresponsible to keep trying. No, we hug them and wipe their tears away and encourage them and remind them that God is in control, and not one of those miscarried babies didn't have a purpose. God has a purpose for ALL life he creates, miscarried, stillborn or otherwise.

Just because someone's belief system is different, if it does not actively affect YOU (i.e., were they taking government assistance, you might be able to have a say in her procreation), I just don't believe people have the right to voice such nastiness in the direction of a family who is just trying to put their faith in God while responsibly caring for their children and this earth.

The worst ones, the ones that made me stop and actually cry, were these:

Though I found it tasteless for STFU, Parents, to have started a thread picking on this family, what I found much more tasteless was the writer's shock when people came to the defense of the Duggars, and then the anger that followed. I only hope that the writer of STFU, Parents, and all the nasty commenters never have to experience a tragedy like the Duggars. Like it or not, we're all putting ourselves out there. Everyone with a public facebook page, everyone with a blog, everyone with a TV show. To say that I would deserve being made fun of while going through a tragedy because I put my life out there on my blog is a true testament to how far the morals in our society have sunk. NO ONE deserves being viciously attacked during a period of extreme grief. Not even a murderer. The internet has allowed cruel people a stage to spread hate without suffering real life consequences, and it's time we demand that it stop.

What she was really trying to say is: if I ever go through a tragedy, I'm fair game! If I lose my baby, you have every right to violate my privacy and tell me I deserved it because I run this blog for profit! I am ACTIVELY seeking attention!

The Duggars may profit from their TV show. So? The Duggars may have made themselves famous. So? As if that somehow negates their right to privacy, to respect in times of grief, to common courtesy that is afforded to anyone else who isn't famous.

Whether you're a Christian or not, hate, in any form, is counterproductive and detrimental. Even if you don't like someone, whether they're a blog writer or a facebook friend or a movie star, try to remember that we're all human and we all have feelings and saying such incredibly hurtful things to another has the potential to cut in deeper ways than you could ever imagine. It has the potential to destroy another life. DESTROY. Let that sink in.

A revelation of massive proportions.

2011-12-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

I'm really struggling. That's not some big secret. Adalyn has been a high-needs baby mostly since birth, and 11 months of it has worn me thin.

I've spent a lot of time whining and complaining and, honestly, feeling really sorry for myself. Making myself a martyr is kind of lame, right? I'm not the first mom to experience a fussy baby who has problems sleeping. And I'm not the first mom to experience that with a toddler who also doesn't sleep. In fact, in comparison to LOTS of other mothers' lives, I still have it easy.

But I'm dense and sometimes selfish and I don't see that sort of stuff until it slams into my face going 100 miles an hour.

This morning I was feeling particularly crummy and sorry for myself. Adalyn now sleeps through the night but no longer naps and wakes up really early. This morning it was 5:00 a.m. And that's after never napping yesterday, which has pretty much become her new norm. So I thought surely she would nap today, but she won't. And I have a horrendous cold and I feel like an 18 wheeler ran over my head and then backed up a couple of times.

So I consulted Dr. Sears to see if he had any literature on his website regarding high-needs babies. Turns out, he does. A lot of it. And it all said mostly the same thing: quit yer whining.

I was feeling all defensive about it, yelling out things in my head like, "Hey now! I'm sleep deprived and pregnant and have a baby who cries all day! I get to be upset and sad about that!" and almost quit reading all together until I came across this:

"Instead of feeling sorry for yourself that you didn't get enough sleep, just don't expect as much from yourself that day."

Well, duh. I suppose I could do that, too. I have a wicked case of The Guilts and I am always feeling guilty for something. If it's not my children's picky eating then it's that they don't sleep and that's my fault and that Adalyn cries and that's my fault and that the house is ALWAYS a mess and what a terrible housewife I am and so on and so forth. I don't ever nap when Adalyn naps (er, when she used to nap) because there are things to be done, dangit! What kind of wife am I if Tim has to come home to a messy house and no food on the table?!

Which, er, happens more than I'd like to admit.

But that little sentence hit me. Instead of using my high-needs baby as a tool to allow myself to whine and feel sorry for myself all the time, I can use it as a tool to do what I need to do anyway: lose the guilt.

Yep, my baby cries a lot, still. She sleeps like crap. She is very needy and wants mommy or daddy almost all the time. So it's okay if I take advantage of a nap time for myself and let the laundry slide. It's okay if I make breakfast for dinner for the 3rd time in a week because it's easy and I'm wiped out. It doesn't make me a bad mom or a bad wife. Whining and feeling sorry for myself all the time? That does.

I'm going to cut myself some slack, accept that this is our life right now, but realize that because this is our life, I can make adjustments to my work schedule and feel totally okay about that. That's how I'll be the best mommy I can be. By cutting myself some slack and kicking my feet up sometimes. Not by crying in my coffee.

A random smattering of stuff.

2011-12-13T11:28:00.000-08:00

Mostly I just wanted to use the word smattering.

I love my sweet girl (I always feel like I have to preface things like this...) but she is, er, high needs. Always has been. So Ben, the little trooper he is, has happily handed over his spot as the baby of the family to allow us to focus our energy on Addie.

Some days I feel like he really got the short end of the stick. We were all, "Oh, there's a baby in mommy's tummy!" and he was all, "What?" and then we brought him to the hospital and we were like, "Surprise! The baby!" and from then on, life became, "Don't touch the baby like that," "Stop it, you're making her cry," "No, she can take your toys but you can't take hers. I know it makes no sense but it's the world you now live in," and "You must no longer make noise during the hours of 9-11 a.m. and 1-3 p.m." and other such unfairness.

So every once in awhile, I want to spoil him. To death. I want to lavish him with gifts and cookies and McNuggets and kisses. So sometimes I do. But it doesn't happen very often. I'm honestly not even sure why. OH...right...because I had a baby attached to my body for the last 11 months. How quickly I forget once she's weaned.

Anyway.

This weekend, I decided we both needed to shake things up. Let's have some FUN! So we went to Subway and Hobby Lobby Saturday night. Let that sink in a minute.

For fun...on a Saturday night...I took my just-about-three-year-old to Hobby Lobby and Subway. And honestly? Better than any bar or fancy restaurant of days gone by.

Because that wasn't enough, Sunday I took him on his first movie theater excursion. MUPPETS! Dude. Awesome cheesy movie. I had way more fun than Ben, which is saying a lot because he was totally mesmerized. And I just have to say this because I haven't been in a movie theater in probably 5 years but WHAT THE WHAT?! Hello, my lovely! When did theaters lose their creaky old chairs in lieu of Grand Poobah recliners and full dining service? I mean, you have a waiter. Inside of a movie theater.

A few dates with my little guy was just what the doctor ordered. I blew through some sewing, too, which is always good for stress relief. And pricked fingers.

This week has been alright so far. Kind of a repeat of last week. Not good, not horrible. Tolerable in the sometimes-I-lose-my-mind-a-little-but-I'm-hanging-in-there kind of way. I heard baby's heartbeat today at an appointment with my midwife, so that's always great for the ole spirit.

I'm sick again. That'd be the third time in 2.5 weeks for anyone who is counting. Tim's sick. Also again. Adalyn's sick. Also again. Ben seems to be the only one with an immune system around here. He had a cough for a day but now seems to be just peachy. Go figure, the child who got as much formula as breastmilk in his first year is the one with the immune system of steel.

I have my first therapy appointment Friday. Yay?

Journey to Me

2011-12-09T13:46:00.000-08:00

Someone suggested I go back to Dooce's archives and read about her postpartum depression. She blogged it all while she was going through it, even when she checked herself into the hospital. So last night, I stayed up really late doing just that. It was amazing and beautiful how honest she was. But what I found striking was that on several occasions, she said people were thanking her for her honesty and she's like, what? Why? It's a disease like any other disease, I don't get why it's a big deal?

Well I, for one, have to thank her, because just reading someone else's chronicles through a deep, dark depression made me feel so much more normal.

I'm holding onto hope that being open and honest here could possibly help one other person.

I need hope now.

I called the therapist this morning. Still waiting to hear back. It's tough to watch the day tick away, get no phone call back and know I may not have any relief until Monday at the earliest, but it'll get better at some point and that's what you focus on, right? At some point, I'm going to be the normal me again.

The scariest blog post I'll probably ever write: prenatal (antenatal) depression.

2011-12-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

Someone recently wrote me an email to thank me for being so raw and honest here (thank you, again!). I sat back for a few minutes and thought about this, because it isn't really the truth.

You see, just a few weeks ago I wrote a very raw and honest post about my struggle with a rather debilitating fear of vomit. Yuck, right? Not like anyone enjoys vomit, but it consumes my thoughts a lot. Probably 30 minutes after I wrote it, I deleted it. It was scary. It felt way too vulnerable. I have no idea who wound up reading it in that time. I hope not a lot of you.

So that thank you email made me feel a little guilty because there's a lot I hold back. A ton, in fact. Being totally open and vulnerable is terrifying to me. The thing that holds me back more than anything else in life is probably my fear of being disliked or judged.

Thus, I try to only share the things that are PC or acceptable enough that no one will quit liking me. No one will decide they can't be friends with me.

I know I'm not alone here. I know it's totally human nature and that's why most of us keep our skeletons in the closet.

But what I'm going through is a continuation of something I went through when I was 22, and I'm struggling with it a lot more than I probably need to because I'm too scared to share it with friends and family. Because when I went through it at 22, one of my very best friends at the time ditched me, told me I was f*ing crazy and we never spoke again. That...left a deep scar. And changed my behavior. And taught me that depression is still not accepted. It is still looked down upon. People still treat those suffering with depression differently than those suffering with other illnesses.

As long as I keep silent about what I'm going through, or only choose to share it with my friends who've also gone through it, I am a part of the problem. Staying silent about depression continues the stereotype. If everyone could be open and honest about it, I think we'd see that most of us have a mental disorder - whether mild or severe - and we could encourage each other and help each other through it rather than hide and handle it all alone.

You see, at 22, I went through a debilitating, life-changing depression. I have very few memories from the whole time period and most of them are cloudy at best. But every time I think back on it, all I feel is darkness, all I see is pitch black. I try never to think about it because it was so horrific and so terrifying. I spent weeks researching the best ways to commit suicide and I wanted to. I had no desire for life. I wound up in the hospital for issues stemming from the depression. Poor Tim, my new boyfriend of only a month, was my sole support during this time. He witnessed things no one should have to witness. And when he tried to bring it up later, I would freak out and refuse to talk about it. It was so incredibly humiliating and I swore I would never tell a soul about it. Once the clouds lifted and I was my old self again, the knowledge that Tim was a witness to it all was too much to take and I very deliberately pushed him away until we broke up.

Luckily, time healed that wound and we got back together. The rest is rather obviously history.

I've thought about that dark time off and on, but luckily have not experienced it again. I chalked it up to situational depression as everything in my life was falling apart simultaneously.

Each pregnancy has been rather rocky emotionally. It wasn't unexpected, though. Growing up, I experienced depression and extreme irritability/anger for a few days each month, corresponding with "that time." I'm pretty sure I have PMDD, but I've never sought help for it because a few days a month seems so manageable. So the idea that the hormonal changes experienced during a pregnancy could also affect my mood in the same way they do during my cycle isn't a far-fetched theory at all.

The past two pregnancies have been survived. I say that with a little fear, because I don't like admitting that I hate pregnancy, but I do, and my midwife is trying to get me to see that it's okay to admit that. I mean, we puke, we swell, we cry, we get fat, we hurt and then we have to go through horrendous pain. It's all more than worth it in the end, but I'm learning it's okay to admit that the experience is less than desirable.

This pregnancy has been different from the other two since early on. While I experienced the blues with my other pregnancies, this time it's the kind of sadness that keeps me from getting out of bed in the morning. It's the kind of sadness that has kept me from wanting go to church. The kind of sadness that has made me a bad mom and a bad wife and a bad friend. The kind of sadness that scares me, because I'm not really me at all. I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore. I spend my days coping, praying (begging!) for relief, crying and then crying some more. For those who don't know me well, I'm not someone who cries a lot. Not in front of anyone, certainly.

I don't know what I'm sad about. I don't know why I can't stop crying. I don't know why I've lost every ounce of motivation I once had. I can't clean my house, I can't even cook food. I can lay here. I am a pro at laying here.

I don't return phone calls or emails. I cancel almost everything I have planned. I don't enjoy anything - even the things I loved so much just a few months ago. I'm finding it difficult just to muster up the energy to pray, which is something I need more than anything right now. I feel like a shadow of my former self.

My world is slowly closing in, just like it did back in 2005. It sounds cliche to say that when you're depressed, your life is dark, but that really is exactly how I describe my depression. Dark. One day you wake up and your world is grey and every day it gets a little grey-er until one day it's pitch black and you can't see because you're suffocating in sadness.

I've started having panic attacks. They are definitely one of the scariest things I've ever experienced and make me never want to leave the house again for fear of having another one while driving.

I'm doing something about it. I've sought help and I'm working on getting in to see someone who specializes in prenatal depression. Did you know that prenatal depression is more common than postpartum? Yet all you hear about is PPD because people with postpartum depression spoke up.

So I'm laying it all out there, being more vulnerable than I've ever been able to in my life, in hopes that I can encourage one other person to speak up who can encourage one other person to speak up and so on and so forth until prenatal depression is something most everyone knows about, just like PPD is today.

It's hard to admit that pregnancy, what's supposed to be one of the single most joyous events in life, is something that brings with it the kind of grief that makes it hard to breathe, much less function in any kind of capacity. It's embarrassing. But also a little therapeutic. And the idea that I will no longer be the girl who hides what I went through and, now, what I'm going through, is a tiny sliver of happiness so desperately needed in my life at this moment.

I am not looking for sympathy. Sympathy often perpetuates depression for me because I feel guilty, which compounds the feelings of depression. My only agenda here is awareness.

Prenatal (antenatal) depression resources:

The Unspoken Truth of Antenatal Depression

I battled prenatal depression...for the whole nine months.

Pregnant and already a "bad mom"

'I Felt Completely Out of Control'

Breaking the Silence on Prenatal Depression

Postpartum Depression: Signaled During Pregnancy?

Women are amazing.

2011-11-30T08:37:00.000-08:00

Women. We're stereotypically catty and dramatic. We cry. We get jealous.

But you know what else we do that makes all of the above not matter in the least? We support each other. We rally around each other like crazy when things aren't going well.

Sure, men don't fight with each other about who said what to whom when, nor do they spend hours examining others' wardrobes in envy, but I've also never seen a bunch of men wrap their arms around each other, all rally together to find a solution for a hurting child and, thus, a hurting mama (er, papa).

I'm not knocking men. I love men. I have a few insanely special ones in my home. But the way women band together and put all drama aside to support another one in trouble or grief is just breathtaking to behold.

Yesterday I hit my rock bottom when I realized that Adalyn is just not going to take formula. And not only will she not take formula, the anxiety from now getting no milk from me (a stomach bug + pregnancy wiped me clean out of milk) has made her decide she doesn't even really want to eat at all, thankyouverymuch. She has fewer and fewer wet diapers each day, her mood has been steadily declining and I noticed how suddenly skinny she's been looking (turns out she's lost a little over a pound which is quite a lot of weight when you're only 16 lbs). I went into panic mode, as moms often do when they sense their children are in threat or danger, and I desperately sought out help.

And I got it. TONS of it. Support and advice and encouragement and then, a very special friend reached out to her LLL group of friends and within literally minutes, I was being offered bags full of frozen breast milk.

It may be controversial. It may not be your cup of tea. Guess what? It wasn't mine either. I found the whole idea pretty bizarre myself. And then I had a child who went on an eating strike and suddenly it sounded like the BEST idea in the world. Until you've had a child refusing formula for months who is wasting away before your eyes, you just can't say what you'd do.

Five different women offered me a massive amount of breast milk. One even offered to eat oatmeal to increase her supply so she could pump for me. A woman I don't even know personally. Isn't that just amazing?

Last night, we picked up well over 200 ounces from two different women. It's just...breathtaking. And awe-inspiring. Women are amazing.

13 Weeks

2011-11-28T12:34:00.000-08:00

I think I'm only doing monthly pictures from here on out (in the same outfit and place and yada, yada, yada) because those show changes a lot more than weekly and I'm going for the dramatic this time around. Or something like that. I'm just lazy?

But the hubby commented on how pregnant I was looking today, so I went to the mirror and what do you know? BAM. There's a giant pregnant belly. Not that it wasn't big before. But now? That's a definite pregnant belly.

Not much to report this week considering I spent the better part of it in bed trying to ~~will myself to die~~ recover from a stomach bug. Now I don't really know if I've still got morning sickness or if this is just lingering illness.

I'm still wiped. If you ask some people, I'm now in the second trimester. But some books say it doesn't start until 14 or even 15 weeks, so I don't even know. I'm giving my exhaustion the benefit of the doubt but putting up an eviction notice come 15 weeks. My house has never been more disastrous.

Frustration.

2011-11-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

My heart is breaking. My little baby girl can no longer get what she needs from me.

I had supply issues with Ben. I might have caused them by thinking I had supply issues when I actually didn't and supplementing. Who knows. I never will know. But I do know that around 7 months, I had totally dried up and he was exclusively formula fed. It was really tough for me.

As a mom, we often wrap our security up in how well we can (or can't) provide for our children. Just as I've heard some moms talk about the depression that accompanies premature birth - feeling that their bodies aren't capable of carrying their babies as long as they need to be carried - I've heard many moms talk about the failure they feel when their bodies don't produce enough milk.

I'm one of them. I made it my mission to make milk this go 'round. And things were going beautifully until I unintentionally got pregnant again. Shortly after getting the positive test, I noticed some serious changes in the nursing department. About a month ago, I suddenly went from being able to pump 4 ounces to only drops. While they say pumping output isn't indicative of the amount of milk baby is getting, when one goes from pumping 4 ounces to pumping nothing overnight while also being pregnant, it's pretty safe to assume there was a massive supply drop. This accompanied a sudden loss of letdown (haven't felt it once since that day a month ago when I was able to pump only a few drops) and the gut feeling of emptiness. She only swallows once or twice during an entire nursing session. She wakes up 5 or 6 times at night to eat. She's only having a couple of wet diapers a day. I want to think it's in my head, but I can't anymore.

And so, with a heavy heart, I called her doctor yesterday. Her clothes seem to be getting looser, she doesn't have enough wet diapers and she absolutely, positively WILL NOT drink formula. I even tried the Dr. Sears recipe for goat's milk formula, which just tastes like sweet milk. She absolutely, positively WILL NOT drink that, either. People say, "Oh just give it time! She'll come around to it!" They don't seem to understand that this has been going on for two months. If she hasn't come around to it yet, can I have any faith that she will?

Maybe if she ate tons of food, I'd feel less like a failure as a mama. But just as she's picky about her milk, she's picky about her food, too. She eats mostly purees, though she has begun to dabble in the world of real food in the last week or two, eating tiny bites of things like bread and fruit. I still can't get vegetables in this girl to save my life, but I'm trying not to lose hope on that, either.

It's tough for me because I already failed once. I thought after 8 months of successful breastfeeding with Adalyn that we were golden. What could possibly go wrong? I even read that most pregnant women don't see too much of a supply drop right away, so I figured I'd make it to her first birthday before watching this disaster unravel.

Being able to provide for your children in such a basic way is something I wanted so, so badly. I wanted to be like all the other women I know who have no problems being the sole provider for their children. And once I was five or six months into breastfeeding this time, after reading article after article, I was convinced that I never would have had supply issues with Ben if I had had more support. As a first-time mom, it's so easy to be scared you're not making enough. After all, we can't visibly see how much our babies are eating, so how can we be certain they're getting enough? Couple that with the weight gain issues Ben experienced and the hypoallergenic formula the doctor had us put Ben on when he had blood in his poop around 1.5 to 2 months and I was totally dejected. I just knew I didn't have enough for him, so I continued supplementing with formula, and then not pumping enough, and I probably was solely responsible for my loss of supply with him. Since I had that all figured out, I had just come to assume I would be nursing Adalyn until at least a year, probably longer.

I was wrong. And I think it stings a little more because I thought I had it all figured out.

There are many reasons we shouldn't get pregnant before our babies are a year old. Our bodies need time to recuperate (I just read recently that a study shows this baby has a 40% chance of being born premature because I got pregnant too soon - awesome, Chelsea). And our babies need breastmilk! I guess my body is so focused on making this baby that it just can't make milk, too. One would think that the very fact I've gained nine pounds already says I'm eating more than enough to be making milk and a baby, but I guess not.

The reality is that she'll live. I know that. She'll get hungry enough that she'll take formula or she will get by on purees until she learns how to eat more real food. Hopefully the doctor can give us some pointers to get more liquid in her so she doesn't get dehydrated.

Please God, if you're listening, let me be able to provide for this next baby. I don't think I can take a third failure!

For anyone else who has also had supply issues, how did you get past the feeling of failing as a mama?

EDITED FOR UPDATE: So the doctor says stop nursing, give her cow's milk. Since she hates formula and goat's milk, I'm not assuming she'll love cow's milk but it's worth a shot, right? But STOP NURSING. Stop nursing. :(

That was the last thing this hormonal pregnant gal wanted to hear today. I don't know why, but ending nursing is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and I'm not ready to go through that again. I wasn't hormonal and pregnant the last time I had to do it and even then I about had a breakdown. I can only imagine how swimmingly well it'll go this time.

12 weeks

2011-11-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

I finally took a picture! I've failed miserably at my vow to take a picture every week. But maybe it's more effective if it's once a month. Right. That's what I'll tell myself. I mean, let's be honest, how much of a difference can you really see in one week?

That is one DIRTY mirror. Sorry. Ew.

Mostly I just got fat in the last 5 weeks. True story, I've already gained nine pounds this pregnancy. NINE. In 12 weeks. Yikes. If I'm hungry for even a second, I get so sick. So...I stuff my face. And nursing while pregnant gives you an insane appetite. Right. That's what I'll tell myself.

The past week has been the worst so far. For a few days there I was just worthless sick. Like, couldn't get off the floor, couldn't move a muscle without being certain I was going to throw up. But the past two days have been so much better. Maybe I've finally reached that glorious second trimester break.

We heard the heartbeat this week at the midwife's appointment. It was music to my ears after a scare a few weeks ago. Praise God for this precious little babe who seems to be growing just as he/she should. Love you, sweet baby!

Christmas cards!

2011-11-14T10:10:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's that time of the year again! Time to get your Christmas cards out!

The past two years I've used Shutterfly and have been 100% happy with the cards. They were much better quality than the cheap company I ordered from the year before (ahem, rhymes with Schmista Schrint) and they came quickly. In fact, I loved their designs so much that you might remember this post of mine last year, wherein I admitted I have a problem. I chose 7 different card designs. SEVEN.

This year I started early and narrowed it down to four. See? I'm making progress! Let's take a look-see, shall we?

How cute are those?!

I kind of like the one-stop-shop-ability of Shutterfly, too. While you're getting your cards, you might as well swing over to their photo books section, check out their PHOTO BLANKETS - yes, how cool is that? - or for the lazy gal like me who doesn't want to go to the store to buy some gift tags or make my own, you can just have them shipped right to your door via their gift tags section. And they're cute to boot!

Disclosure: This is a sponsored post. All opinions stated here are my own.

Weeks 9 & 10

2011-11-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not doing very well with my goal to take a belly picture every week.

Or even blog.

Weeks 9 & 10 were rough. My fatigue is through the roof. My morning sickness is persistent, showing no signs of going away. I've had some issues. Things are looking up, albeit veeeerrrrry slowly. I see light at the end of the tunnel - the twelve week mark is fast-approaching! Usually that brings a lot of relief with it.

I had my first Braxton Hicks this past week. I already have heartburn. I already have pelvic pain. I already have sciatic pain. It's unreal how quickly this is all happening the third time around.

A friend who is in practically the same position as me (pregnant and her youngest two will also be 17 months apart) told me this week that her doctor said when your body only has 7 or so months of rest between pregnancies, it's no wonder things happen at warp speed. Your body hasn't even gotten over the last pregnancy and you've already hopped right into a new one. Right. I guess that makes sense.

At least this next week we'll hear a heartbeat! Can't wait for Wednesday!

I'll have a week 11 picture in a day or two. I hope. :)